Caring for a Surviving Child

As in all situations, honesty is the best way to talk with children.  Talk to the child in a language that he or she can understand.  Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and, just as importantly, what they are not saying.  Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.

1. The child’s first concern may be: “Who is going to take care of me now?”
   • Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
   • Show affection, and assure the child that those who love him or her still do and that they will take care of him or her.
2. The child likely will have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.
   • Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood.  Repeated questions require patience and continued express of caring.
   • Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily on the exact words used.
3. The child will not know appropriate behavior for the situation.
   • Encourage the child to talk about their feelings and share with them how you feel. You are a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to dry; it is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
4. The child may fear that they also may dies, or that they somehow caused the death.
   • Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts they may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.
   • Reassure him or her that this does not mean someone else he or she loves is likely to die soon.
5. The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.
   • Explain these to them and include them in deciding how they will participate. Remember that they should be prepared beforehand, told what to expect, and have a supporting adult with them. Do not force them to do anything they do not feel comfortable doing.
6. The child may show regressive behavior.
   • A common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. For example: a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting, or may need to go back to diapers or have a bottle for a time. Support the child in this and keep in mind that these regressions are temporary.

Adults can help prepare a child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or television.

In helping children understand and coping with death, remember four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be Consistent.